Adults finally showed up on college campuses

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Columbia University has canceled graduation ceremonies due to anti-Israel encampments that continue to pop up like urinary tract infections after spring break. Now protesters will no longer be able to throw their keffiyehs in the air and make the entire campus look like a Pizza Hut tablecloth.

This after students asked the school to cancel exams and hand out passing grades so as not to be traumatized by the damage they themselves inflicted. Some revolutionaries. It's like Che Guevara handing you the bill to have his beret dry-cleaned. But last week, someone we've all been waiting for finally arrived. The adults. Memory? Before, they managed things and didn't just pay for them.

And what we saw was the battle between two forces: Dad's brain and the Internet's brain. The Internet brain is the type that is easily susceptible to bullshit on the Internet. It's a bit like a wet brain but without the joy of winning it with Jack Daniel's. The brain of the Internet is the brain of the campus, the brain of social media, and the brain of Karen, all linked by outrage and sobs. The father's brain reacts to this and says, “Alright, we've heard enough, now go do your homework.” And over the past few years, children have been infected with the Internet brain, and now they're unleashing it on us. The Internet brain tells you that you are entitled to a world that meets all your desires.

University of Chicago Camp

A large sign at the University of Chicago's anti-Israel encampment includes slogans such as “Open the gates, globalize the Intifada” and “We will honor all our martyrs.” (Joseph A. Wulfsohn/Fox News Digital)

The Internet brain tells you that abstract problems matter more than your responsibilities here. The Internet brain tells you that instead of studying for final exams, you should pitch a tent on your campus lawn, chant slogans about an old conflict that you know less about than your current major, and then demand a passing grade. And that if you do it hard enough, a nation of 9 million people on the other side of the world will cease to exist.

But what happens when the babysitter lets you stay way past bedtime, the games and fun are over when Dad gets home, and he's patient but not to this extend. So it's Dad's brain versus the Internet's brain. And as everyone knows, after all the crying, screaming, threats and demands, Dad is going to win, kids. So save yourself a spanking.


Let's compare the Internet brain and Dad's brain. Dad's brain rules the roost when nonsense gets out of hand. No mother has ever lined up the kids and said, “Wait until your non-binary community organizer comes home.” Dad's brain lives in the world of paid bills, changed tires, mowed lawns; of vital things accomplished. Meanwhile, Internet Brain has some strong opinions on building a carbon-neutral tree fort, written by people too weak to lift a hammer. The Internet brain doesn't focus on your problems, it expands them by saying the world's problems are your problems. Dad's brain says no, Hamas is not your problem, Mother's Day is… give your mother a card and flowers.

Anti-Israel protesters gather at Washington Square Park in New York.

Anti-Israel protesters gather at Washington Square Park in New York on Friday, May 3, 2024. NYU's Palestine Solidarity Coalition is organizing the protest as campus protests continue to sweep the country. (Rashid Umar Abbasi for Fox News Digital)

The Internet brain presents a massive problem it cannot solve: climate change, the Middle East, global inequality. Dad Brain knows that such obsessions create anxiety and says: spare us the Marxism conference in Peru. Have you paid your phone bill? The Internet brain also forces children to compare their lives to those of others, generating envy that leads to mental anguish.

Dad's brain says I know Kelly and Ashley went to Aspen over spring break, but we're going to your grandmother's house. You know, that nice old lady who might not be around in a few years? Dad's brain sees what the inner brain is doing to you. It drives you crazy, like a bad boyfriend. And daddy's brain isn't so much about imposing discipline as it is about calling ***.

Most of these children know that their causes and their commitment are just a show. It's the equivalent of a school play in that it's poorly performed, it becomes boring, and parents don't like it as much as tolerate it. In fact, many of them want their father's brains to bring them into line.

And so, after weeks of Hamas cosplay, who shows up? Yes, adults. University officials like the USC president who told the kids: The fun is over. As a result, USC was eliminated twice without injuries or riots, of course disappointing most of the media.


Florida also has a fair share of Responsible Adults, where students have been told their schools are “not a daycare.” It's a father's brain. I'm surprised they didn't yell at them for touching the thermostat or threaten to turn that car around. Of course the cops were a huge dad brain here. No shooting, no real injuries and the kind of patience only a father can have with kids. So, looking at the campus landscape now, I feel like Dad's brain is coming back. Even SNL, a show that adapts as quickly as Dodo, has had to admit, the dads are right to call BS on the protests.


Not bad. At least the series is moving in the unknown direction of humor. So while the Internet brainiac condemns fossil fuels, we need Dad to tell them to buy a car that runs well on gasoline. While the Internet brain tells them to eat bugs to save the Earth, the Dad brain must tell them to finish their peas.


And when the internet brain says trans women should play in women's sports, the dad brain says cool, let's have a tug of war for your car keys. See, Dad Brain isn't just a party animal obsessed with consequences. This dad loves his kids enough to make sure they stop embarrassing themselves in public, because the choice is between dad brains or no brains at all.


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