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Join Telegram ChannelParents' growing anxiety is translating into “next-level helicopter parenting” for students, one psychotherapist told Fox News Digital — and others agree that, however well-intentioned, it can create long-term harm.
“There is no doubt [that] “Parents are more anxious and more intrusive than ever,” Jonathan Alpert, a psychotherapist in Manhattan and Washington, D.C., and author of the book “Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days,” told Fox News Digital via email Tuesday.
Some parents, Alpert explains, “track their children through apps and even try to communicate with teachers.”
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As classes resume at college, social media posts abound from anxious parents wondering whether they should call their child's resident assistant, intervene in roommate issues or even visit campus to help their child make friends.
An August 29 post to Reddit's “r/College” page by someone claiming to be a freshman at Yale detailed how her parents “constantly stalked” her — even setting a bedtime.
Social media is full of posts from parents and students detailing behavior that many mental health professionals say is preventing children from maturing into adults. (iStock)
“They say I have to be in bed in my dorm by 10pm every night. I changed my location in Find My on my iPad, which I leave in my dorm, and pause my location in Life 360 to get around this,” Reddit user “Sageshrub” said. Life360 is a location sharing app.
Sageshrub wrote that her mother “called my school police department and found out where I was” after she didn't answer her phone.
“She then emailed my dean and wants me to withdraw from school,” she said, adding that “the controlling behavior is making me so anxious and depressed. Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to finally have some peace?”
“Does anyone have any ideas on what I can do to finally have some peace?”
Fox News Digital has reached out to Sageshrub for an update.
This type of excessive behavior by parents is not entirely unheard of, Alpert said.
“In my own practice, I’ve had many parents contact me on behalf of their young adult trying to get a therapy appointment,” he said. This behavior has more to do with parental anxiety than a young adult’s inability to make an appointment, he said.
Parents should “strike a balance” between keeping up with their children and allowing them to grow as independent adults, a therapist has said. (iStock)
“Many parents who have a strong emotional connection to their child may feel an equally strong sense of loss when their child goes off to college,” Alpert said.
Using apps to track their children gives parents “a sense of control and reassurance, and helps ease their anxiety.”
He suggests that parents “find a balance” that allows them to become independent adults.
“Worry about worry or anxiety about the possibility of anxiety,” Jennifer L. Hartstein, PsyD, told Fox News Digital. Hartstein Psychological Services, PLLC, is based in New York City.
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“The problem with that is that it ends up trickling down to their college-age child, creating anxiety for them as well,” she said via email.
Early in school, it's “normal” for kids to go through what Hartstein calls a “period of adjustment”: “anxiety, sadness, some difficulty adjusting.” She said that “many parents react strongly to that, feeling like their child is really suffering rather than dealing with the typical reactions to newness and change.”
It's normal for a new college student to have difficulties, a psychologist said, but a parent coming in to fix things doesn't help a young person grow. (iStock)
These parents “try to intervene” to fix the problem, but in doing so they prevent “growth, learning and resilience.”
“While it may seem easier for parents to intervene and it may ease their anxiety, it actually does a huge disservice to young people,” she said.
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“Instead, parents should slow down, monitor their own reactions and help teach and guide their children rather than doing it for them,” Hartstein said.
But for some new students, their parents simply do what they've always done: fly over them in a helicopter.
“Helicopter parents for years”
Parents who engage in this behavior are “preventing their child from learning how to become an independent, functioning adult,” Dr. Gail Saltz, associate professor of psychiatry at Weill-Cornell School of Medicine at New York-Presbyterian Hospital and host of the podcast “How Can I Help?” told Fox News Digital via email.
“Their child's successes [are] a reflection in their minds of their vigilant parenting and their children's difficulties that mean they are not doing a good enough job.
Many of these parents, Saltz said, “have been helicopter parents for many years, smoothing the way, helping their children avoid mistakes or failures, [and] “take care of the problems encountered by their children.”
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Being a helicopter parent to a successful child is a core part of their identity, she explained. “Their child's successes [are] a reflection in their minds of their vigilant parenting and their children's difficulties that mean they are not doing a good enough job.
Yet raising young people this way does not prepare them for success in adulthood.
Many “helicopter parents” see having a successful child as part of their identity, said an associate professor of psychiatry. (iStock)
Independent, functioning adults are those “who have confidence in their own ability to manage life, learning from mistakes and getting back up,” she said.
This means they have the ability to learn from their mistakes and gain confidence in their academic abilities – something that can't happen if a parent is constantly following them and correcting their homework.
“You now have realities created by parents that make it the first time these children are on their own dealing with tangible and emotional tasks that will cause them difficulty,” Saltz said.
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The anxiety about the possibility that a child will face difficulties, coupled with the near certainty that something will go wrong the first time a child is on their own, “creates a recipe for extreme academic helicoptering,” Saltz said.
“Don’t lose your teenager”
Parents who send their children to college need to “understand that they're not losing their teenager,” Alpert told Fox News Digital, adding that “the fact that your child is going to college is a sign that you did everything right.”
A parent must “trust that you have raised your child well and that he will be able to handle the many challenges that lie ahead, and that is part of building character.”
“I hope you have raised your child well and that he will be able to handle the many challenges that await him.”
Someone who struggles with these emotions, he said, should “reframe them and recognize them as progress and accomplishment.”
Additionally, Alpert said, “high-level helicopter parents” should work on their own mental state. “Remember that stress can be contagious, and naturally, your child will want to comfort you,” he added.
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A child who feels it is his or her duty to ease his or her parents' anxiety may have difficulty adjusting to college life, Alpert said.
“It can also put them in a difficult situation where they feel torn between having to deal with the parents' emotions or going out and experiencing autonomy,” he said.
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Instead, an anxious parent should seek support from other parents, Alpert said.
“They will understand your emotions and you can be each other's best friends during this transition,” he said.