Gutfeld: Only one party hides its candidate like Easter eggs

Tomorrow we have the first and probably only presidential debate before the November election. We won’t really count the first one. The only debate was about who shot Joe behind the barn. But as Trump regains the lead in the polls, the stakes for Kamala in this debate are as high as Hunter’s in a champagne room at a boob bar. Kamala Harris has to convince voters that she is not Kamala Harris, that she is not the moron who has been babbling like a hyena on ecstasy for the last four years. So we’re going to see Kamala pretend to be a moderate Democrat or even a full-fledged Republican, shifting positions like an Australian breakdancer. And as Kamala transforms into something closer to the real thing, what will America see tomorrow?

A bootleg version that's faker than a Brian Kilmeade fan letter? Don't believe me? Let's ask Bernie Sanders, a man who owns more houses than your Monopoly cheating friend, and whose haircut makes him look like he's been tasered by the police. Here he is on Meet the Press.

NBC ANCHOR: You described Vice President Kamala Harris as a progressive. She once supported universal health care. She doesn’t anymore. She once supported banning fracking. She doesn’t anymore. Do you think she’s abandoning her progressive ideals?

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BERNIE SANDERS: No, I don't think she's abandoning her ideals. I think she's trying to be pragmatic and do what she thinks is right to win the election.

If a bowl of soup could talk, it would look like this. But Bernie just denounced Kamala as if he were facing 10-20 years in prison for stealing a scooter. Because if Kamala is a pragmatist by reversing all positions, then by definition she was anything but pragmatic before. She was the opposite—as reckless as Chris Christie at the Cheesecake Factory. Democrats have known this all along. Her head was full of shit, paired with a president whose pants were also full of shit.

Bernie claims she is doing all this to win the election, while admitting that it is just a facade. He also admits that Trump’s positions are far more pragmatic and therefore much better for America, and that if Kamala wins, she will return to her radical roots as soon as possible, only to become pragmatic again four years later when she runs for re-election in what is left of America. This is why the argument of a turnaround is useless. If only she would change her mind. No, she is changing her mind, but we have no evidence that she will stick to these new positions. It is a fraud, an arrogant insult to her own supporters.

This is the second time the bail has been posted. You remember Joe Biden, right? The guy on the beach. He may be the first American president in history to be impaled by a windblown umbrella. But he still managed to reveal a secret that Democrats and the media have thankfully hidden for so long that the Inflation Reduction Act was nothing more than that.

President Joe Biden listens in the South Court Auditorium of the White House complex in Washington, Tuesday, Sept. 3, 2024, as he speaks with a virtual attendee during the Investing in America kickoff event. (AP Photo/Susan Walsh)

JOE BIDEN: I'm proud to announce that my investments, through my investments, helped pass the largest climate change bill ever passed. And by the way, it's a $369 billion bill. It should have been called that, but oh well.

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It’s kind of scary that the leader of the free world is a cut above driftwood. But imagine how many people are worried about food and gas prices and were led to believe that the White House was going to solve that problem with this bill. And it was just a Trojan horse to hide billions and billions and billions in a climate scam. How can you vote for these lying bastards again?

Say what you will about Trump, America knows exactly who he is: a man who is literally willing to die for his country. But with Kamala, America gets a Tinder date and her entire party catfishes us, sending us pictures of Megan Fox when in reality we are getting Redd Foxx. Yes, we see her on our phone screens, but we won’t really know her until November 5th, when it will be too late.

So Kamala’s honeymoon is going as long as Ben and J-Lo’s. But this time, it’s the media that’s to blame. The latest New York Times Siena Poll puts Trump ahead of Harris in the popular vote. Worse, she’s trailing among men in key states like Nevada and Pennsylvania. Of course, Democrats are freaking out and pointing to misogyny as the reason. But if Nevada hates women, then explain the Bunny Ranch to me.

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So when you watch the debate, remember that no matter who says what, there is only one party that hides its candidates like Easter eggs. If your only strategy for winning is to hide your true self, what does that say about you? Your party, the media, who is in on it? They say you are a Democrat. Because only in today's Democratic Party is integrity considered a liability.