Gutfeld: Biden is like 'the mad king, a senile guy' who is struggling to hold on to the presidency

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So with each passing day, it becomes clear that we live in a country run by a demented royal family. You have the Mad King, a senile guy who has a hard time holding down the presidency, let alone taking care of his own intestines. You have the Evil Queen, a status freak who demands to be called a doctor when she's not. She's a PhD in education. It's like demanding to be called a pilot because a flight attendant once pinned wings on your shirt when you were 12. That's right, getting a PhD in education is about as hard to come by as a horse burger in my slaughterhouse. And of course, there's the snooty prince, a cheap Caligula, for whom a family outing is an orgy. It seems like they need their own theme song.

GREG GUTFELD: DEMOCRATS AND MEDIA HAVE BEEN DENOUNCED

Let's start at the beginning. The guy is hanging by a thread, and that thread is hanging by a hair. On Monday, Joe sent a letter saying he was staying in office. I'm told we have a copy of it. It says in part, quote: “The voters of the Democratic Party have voted. They have chosen me as the party's nominee. Are we now to say that this process doesn't matter, that the voters have no say in it?”

In truth, Democratic voters have fewer choices than the orphans I hire to shave my back. In short, the letter says we have successfully lied to you. It's too late, —- off. It's a challenge. He's angry not just at Democrats, but at the dying of the light. He's telling Democrats, “Come get me.” Will they? Not if the Evil Queen can help it. At a solo campaign stop in North Carolina yesterday, Jill claimed Joe was all in. If she means buried, she's right.

Joe Biden speaks as First Lady Jill looks on

U.S. First Lady Jill Biden (L) looks on as President Joe Biden speaks to supporters and volunteers during a campaign stop at a Biden-Harris campaign office in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, July 7, 2024. Biden is back on the campaign trail Sunday, desperate to salvage his re-election bid as top Democrats gather to discuss growing calls for him to drop out of the White House race. The 81-year-old Democrat begins a grueling week with two campaign rallies in the key swing state of Pennsylvania before hosting the NATO leaders summit in Washington. (SAUL LOEB/AFP via Getty Images)

He supported your career? What exactly did he do for your career besides marry you? He didn't quit being a senator so you could go to fake medical school. You were a substitute teacher. You didn't separate conjoined twins. So like one of those sign language interpreters, you see her now at every event, front and center, waving her arms like she's warning people to stay away from the bathroom that Jerry Nadler just vacated. The signal is that a vote for Joe is a vote for me. She's like Leonard Skynyrd. Yes, they're still on tour, even though everyone's dead. And yet the media is terrified of reporting her because she'll do anything to stay where she is. She doesn't want to go back to Delaware. Nobody does. The only thing worth seeing in Delaware is the New Jersey signs. But her compassion is as fake as her degree. She should be teaching slow children in the summer, but instead she pretends to be a good wife by pushing her confused husband into traffic. And how will this work out? Joe can’t quit. She’ll be seen as the bad guy. It will be humiliating. No more parties. No more expensive dresses. No more stains on “The View,” no more gagging from Whoopi’s persistent, stinging fart explosions. So she’s making him do this? Not for his health. He’s dying. It’s for her. And she knew these days were coming.

Hunter Biden, Jill Biden and Melissa Cohen Biden leave federal court.

First Lady Jill Biden, U.S. President Joe Biden's son Hunter Biden, joined by his wife Melissa Cohen Biden, depart the J. Caleb Boggs Federal Building on June 11, 2024 in Wilmington, Delaware. A federal jury found Hunter Biden guilty of all three federal gun charges he faced. (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)

Don’t yell, just talk. That’s exactly what I tell Judge Jeanine. But they let her talk and she doesn’t. Maybe she really is the acting president. It’s pretty obvious that Jill is the one campaigning because Joe can’t. If you wanted to prove that the debate was a one-off disaster, he’d be there to prove it. Instead, all he did yesterday was call in his morning breath and yell. But to his credit, at least he didn’t try to order pizza. And for once, the people who say he’s lost his mind weren’t talking about Scarborough. Yeah, but what about the Prince? Joe’s fun-loving son Hunter is now the de facto guardian of the commander in chief. More like the de facto crypt keeper. But that job is right up Hunter’s alley. Hunter has a habit of holed up in hotel rooms for weeks, planning and plotting. And who better to give Joe something to keep him awake? We already know how he can get cocaine delivered directly to the White House. It’s weird that after all that, Hunter is in the Oval Office. Can you believe it? From a halfway house to the White House. From crackhead to Lincoln’s bed, from meth pipes to the Stars and Stripes.

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This is all nonsense. You know, they told you that if you didn't vote for Joe, the White House would be occupied by a power-hungry tyrant who refuses to leave office even though everyone knows he's not fit to do so and that a convicted felon would run the country. I guess they were right.

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